I never thought flatting would be this BAD. I mean, I knew there would be problems, but I feel like a maid. Doing other peoples dishes, cleaning the bench, cleaning the stove top, cleaning the fridges, vacuuming the floors, mopping the floors, cleaning the toilet, cleaning the sinks, cleaning the shower, scrubbing the shower floor, cleaning the tables, putting things away, dusting, sweeping the decks, ripping out weeds (I haven't done THAT much of, but still), doing household washing (tea towels, random flannels, cloths for cleaning, etc), putting away said washing, taking out the rubbish, re bagging the rubbish when the cats attack it and spread it everywhere, battling the maggots that grow on said rubbish when it has been attacked and left out in the rain, cleaning out the rubbish bin when it smells like rotting meat, getting rid of the rotting meat smell from in the house when it comes inside, cleaning the cupboard doors, cleaning the walls in the kitchen, cleaning the skirting board when it gets so thick with dust it won't vacuum off.
I don't mind doing all this, but I do like help...I mean, I get help with the dishes often, but there is still alot of other chores around the house that no one seems to do, I just wish I even got a thank you, or SOME form of acknowledgement of all the hard work I have done...I spent two days cleaning this fucking house, and I can see it already starting to turn.
I was excited, on my birthday, when I got a txt from one of my flatmates, but when I opened it, all it said was "When are you coming home?".... Not even a happy birthday, when I had forked out my money to throw her a suprise party, it's heartbreaking.
I hate living here, I hate being unappericiated.
But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? Theres no room in this hell.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
My Chemical Life
This year, tomorrow, and next week commemorate big things in my life. It was two days after my 15th birthday I took the step to move out of my mothers house, and it's the the 10th anniversary of My Chemical Romance. I first got into My Chemical Romance shortly after I'm Not Okay was released. It was 2004, my parents had just broken up, and my world had been turned upside down. We all have things happen in our lives, and for some of us, these make us want to give up on everything.
One memory I have, is turning up to my dads house, and him, knowing how much I loved Helana and I'm Not Okay, had bought Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. I ran through the house, promptly claiming the CD as my own, and played it on repeat all night long (while playing Sims).
As the years passed, this CD became my life, I cannot count how many times I have heard the CD, on average it worked out to 4 or 5 times a day, everyday, for 4 years. I soon caught up with Bullets, loving the CD just as much, Cubicles being my favourite track, but Three Cheers spoke to me.
When I was younger, I drew, I drew so much that I would never leave my room. My weekends consisted of Three Cheers, a sketch pad and a pencil. Even now, I have so many fond memories of all the hours I spent doing such things, that I do the same thing now. Dark room, small space, not caring about the rest of the world for a few hours, and absorbing myself in the story that flowed from their music. The world that was created in my head, it was like home, the first place I could call home in years.
During the release day of The Black Parade, I remember running home after school with her, and begging my mother to take us to the Warehouse. At the time, I worked 15 hours a week (with plants, so I got FILTHY), for around $30, that was a whole weeks pay, but so worth it. This CD saw the same fate as the ones before it, played way too many times. It was a time for me to wake up, and stop living in the slump I had been in.
Two days after my 15th birthday I moved out of my mothers. Still with no hope in life, no love for myself, I held on. I held on to the dream of one day seeing them live. The B-Side of Famous Last Words single, "Kill All Your Friends" they lyrics repeat, "do what it takes to survive 'cuz I'm still here", I may not have taken it in the way it was meant to be taken, but I took it in the sense that, as long as the boys were around, I had to keep going, that I have to see them live.
Then, for my 16th birthday, I FINALLY got Life On The Murder Scene from my best friend, I was so happy I had to cry, I never could have afforded it.
When I was 16, I applied for university and a $26K scholarship. I got them both. Panicked and scared, I started university when I was 17.
Although I had to take a leave of absence at the end of the year, I managed to get back on my feet. One thing I had forgotten once university came into play with my life, was the dreams I had as a young teenager. I got back up, and kept fighting, I fought my way back into uni last year, and now have my Diploma of Japanese Studies.
Sunday is my 20th birthday. 8 years since I discovered My Chemical Romance, 5 years since I moved out of home, 3 since I feel on my knees, 2 since I got back up, and 1 since I found myself again. Tomorrow, Big Day Out. They are doing a one hour set, 5.30pm-6.30pm, the trip has cost me over $200 so far, but I feel I owe it to the child I was, the child that didn't give up and pulled through. The child that has grown to be a fearless adult, still fighting for that future, but knowing that I can do it. I have down days, days I can't get out of bed, and as stupid as it is, there is this:
I'll get there, it will just take time. However, I feel as if I have relied on these boys far too long, it's time to get myself out of bed each morning.
Oh oh oh, I'm too excited to sleep, but so tired, I'm like a child on Christmas eve!!!
Here is my Lithium Laced Lollipop outfit~~
Obviously can't wear everything tomorrow D:
I probably explained this all so terribly, but I'm off to bed~ Must be up in 7 hours hurr hurr
One memory I have, is turning up to my dads house, and him, knowing how much I loved Helana and I'm Not Okay, had bought Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. I ran through the house, promptly claiming the CD as my own, and played it on repeat all night long (while playing Sims).
As the years passed, this CD became my life, I cannot count how many times I have heard the CD, on average it worked out to 4 or 5 times a day, everyday, for 4 years. I soon caught up with Bullets, loving the CD just as much, Cubicles being my favourite track, but Three Cheers spoke to me.
When I was younger, I drew, I drew so much that I would never leave my room. My weekends consisted of Three Cheers, a sketch pad and a pencil. Even now, I have so many fond memories of all the hours I spent doing such things, that I do the same thing now. Dark room, small space, not caring about the rest of the world for a few hours, and absorbing myself in the story that flowed from their music. The world that was created in my head, it was like home, the first place I could call home in years.
During the release day of The Black Parade, I remember running home after school with her, and begging my mother to take us to the Warehouse. At the time, I worked 15 hours a week (with plants, so I got FILTHY), for around $30, that was a whole weeks pay, but so worth it. This CD saw the same fate as the ones before it, played way too many times. It was a time for me to wake up, and stop living in the slump I had been in.
Two days after my 15th birthday I moved out of my mothers. Still with no hope in life, no love for myself, I held on. I held on to the dream of one day seeing them live. The B-Side of Famous Last Words single, "Kill All Your Friends" they lyrics repeat, "do what it takes to survive 'cuz I'm still here", I may not have taken it in the way it was meant to be taken, but I took it in the sense that, as long as the boys were around, I had to keep going, that I have to see them live.
Then, for my 16th birthday, I FINALLY got Life On The Murder Scene from my best friend, I was so happy I had to cry, I never could have afforded it.
When I was 16, I applied for university and a $26K scholarship. I got them both. Panicked and scared, I started university when I was 17.
Although I had to take a leave of absence at the end of the year, I managed to get back on my feet. One thing I had forgotten once university came into play with my life, was the dreams I had as a young teenager. I got back up, and kept fighting, I fought my way back into uni last year, and now have my Diploma of Japanese Studies.
Sunday is my 20th birthday. 8 years since I discovered My Chemical Romance, 5 years since I moved out of home, 3 since I feel on my knees, 2 since I got back up, and 1 since I found myself again. Tomorrow, Big Day Out. They are doing a one hour set, 5.30pm-6.30pm, the trip has cost me over $200 so far, but I feel I owe it to the child I was, the child that didn't give up and pulled through. The child that has grown to be a fearless adult, still fighting for that future, but knowing that I can do it. I have down days, days I can't get out of bed, and as stupid as it is, there is this:
This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."From West Wing. The story shows how people from above, are unable to help without being where you are kind of thing. It's hard for me to explain, I'm useless at words, but I'm sure you get it. The way I view the albums, is a progression, a progression showing the boys gaining their strength, so when I go back, from the start of Bullets, to the last track in Danger Days, it's like a ladder, pulling me out of that hole. Even if it just gets me out of bed to have a shower, I'm moving forward more, each time I can get myself out of bed.
I'll get there, it will just take time. However, I feel as if I have relied on these boys far too long, it's time to get myself out of bed each morning.
Oh oh oh, I'm too excited to sleep, but so tired, I'm like a child on Christmas eve!!!
Here is my Lithium Laced Lollipop outfit~~
Obviously can't wear everything tomorrow D:I probably explained this all so terribly, but I'm off to bed~ Must be up in 7 hours hurr hurr
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Lazy elefant and weight loss
Yesterday I joined the website SparkPeople to keep track of what I eat. Today I'm not starting a diet, I am just putting in everything I eat. French toast for breakfast, because I wanted to. From this I will see where I eat too much of something, so I can cut things down, little by little. Not a diet, a change in how I view and consume food.
There are a couple of other things that people reccomend to do when you eat.
1) Sit in front of the mirror and watch yourself. Personally, I find this quite creepy, I don't like looking at myself, but if it gets me to eat less?
2) Use your non-dominant hand. This will slow down your eating as well as build braincells, become more creative as you eat!
3) Smell your food. This apparently fills you up, or maybe just makes you get sick of your food faster?
4) Food takes 10-15 minutes to reach your stomach, so you can stuff yourself for that time and still feel hungry. If you eat half (though, thats fucking hard when it tastes good!), then wait that amount of time to re-judge if you're hungry. With this one, what I have done (and will start doing again) is to serve up only half of what I cook for myself. Since I eat in the lounge, and I'm lazy, by the time I decide I should get up after eating, I probably don't want the food anymore. Saves food, and my weight! I can put it in the fridge for the next day.
I got my sister into some of my clothes!
I also have a friend who went into BABY and bought her and I lucky packs! She got me this one, and will bring it over when she comes back in April ^^ I have to wait long, but, FREE SHIPPING, HURR HURR.
Now, there are a couple of things that I like about my body, and the idea of losing weight and losing these parts and how they are now, scares me.
Firstly, I love my calves. I love curvy legs for some reason, and even though I've always had big calves, even when I was 75kg, I worry. But running/building the muscle in my calves should keep them the same size.
Secondly, my bust. I was a C cup when I was 12, so I don't think this would be too much of an issue...
Okay! Time to get to it!
There are a couple of other things that people reccomend to do when you eat.
1) Sit in front of the mirror and watch yourself. Personally, I find this quite creepy, I don't like looking at myself, but if it gets me to eat less?
2) Use your non-dominant hand. This will slow down your eating as well as build braincells, become more creative as you eat!
3) Smell your food. This apparently fills you up, or maybe just makes you get sick of your food faster?
4) Food takes 10-15 minutes to reach your stomach, so you can stuff yourself for that time and still feel hungry. If you eat half (though, thats fucking hard when it tastes good!), then wait that amount of time to re-judge if you're hungry. With this one, what I have done (and will start doing again) is to serve up only half of what I cook for myself. Since I eat in the lounge, and I'm lazy, by the time I decide I should get up after eating, I probably don't want the food anymore. Saves food, and my weight! I can put it in the fridge for the next day.
I got my sister into some of my clothes!I also have a friend who went into BABY and bought her and I lucky packs! She got me this one, and will bring it over when she comes back in April ^^ I have to wait long, but, FREE SHIPPING, HURR HURR.Now, there are a couple of things that I like about my body, and the idea of losing weight and losing these parts and how they are now, scares me.
Firstly, I love my calves. I love curvy legs for some reason, and even though I've always had big calves, even when I was 75kg, I worry. But running/building the muscle in my calves should keep them the same size.
Secondly, my bust. I was a C cup when I was 12, so I don't think this would be too much of an issue...
Okay! Time to get to it!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Weight issues
Holy shit I love cheesecake. I'm such a fatty though. Back in April 2011, I was around 95kg, and I thought I was huge...I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm 106. I knew I had been gaining weight, I've stopped wearing lolita, and stopped putting as much effort into how I look. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to diet, but I suck at it. I can't stick to it for more than an hour or two, and the thought of going out for a run both bores and scares me. I don't want people to see someone my size run!
I'm so lazy, I'm disgusted with myself. Cheesecake for breakfast today. Last year I just sat in my room and ate a whole one to myself. Many of my lolita clothings don't fit me anymore, nor my cosplays and even some of the regular clothes I wear when I'm feeling particually fat (which I have started to live in).
But how do I do this? I've lost weight before, but I think the fact that I have very little work at the moment, doesn't help. The two times I was most successful at weightloss, I worked 30-50 hours a week. I could busy myself with my hobbies, right? Wrong. I have little interest anymore. I started making a new cosplay the other day, I've been working on it for two years, I'll be lucky if I get it done before my 21st.
"Eat to live, don't live to eat" But I SO live to eat, since I find it one of the only things that is worth doing in life. I need to think of something, then, I'll get back to you.
I'm so lazy, I'm disgusted with myself. Cheesecake for breakfast today. Last year I just sat in my room and ate a whole one to myself. Many of my lolita clothings don't fit me anymore, nor my cosplays and even some of the regular clothes I wear when I'm feeling particually fat (which I have started to live in).
But how do I do this? I've lost weight before, but I think the fact that I have very little work at the moment, doesn't help. The two times I was most successful at weightloss, I worked 30-50 hours a week. I could busy myself with my hobbies, right? Wrong. I have little interest anymore. I started making a new cosplay the other day, I've been working on it for two years, I'll be lucky if I get it done before my 21st.
"Eat to live, don't live to eat" But I SO live to eat, since I find it one of the only things that is worth doing in life. I need to think of something, then, I'll get back to you.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
When it all falls apart.
What happens, when, in just a few moments, you lose hope and interest in everything you ever wanted?
I thought I as an open-minded person, but when you boyfriend turns out to be a girl inside, it's hard not to react badly. I've reacted the worst, so in order to let him be, well, herself, I've left. And with that, lost everything. but I'm giving him what he needs, the ability to be himself.
I'm alone. I have friends, and family, but my family are all over the place, and I no longer have friends who I can cry to, or go to at any time of the day or night when I need help. I'm alone. I always wanted to be alone, but it's probably whats best. I've gained alot of weight recently, back to 105kg, my lolita dresses won't fit me, I can't look at myself in the mirror, and since I broke up with him this morning, I am having trouble stomaching food.
I wish I was home, I want to go home.
Good side? I have somewhere to live and a job. But all the money in the world couldn't replace him.
I thought I as an open-minded person, but when you boyfriend turns out to be a girl inside, it's hard not to react badly. I've reacted the worst, so in order to let him be, well, herself, I've left. And with that, lost everything. but I'm giving him what he needs, the ability to be himself.
I'm alone. I have friends, and family, but my family are all over the place, and I no longer have friends who I can cry to, or go to at any time of the day or night when I need help. I'm alone. I always wanted to be alone, but it's probably whats best. I've gained alot of weight recently, back to 105kg, my lolita dresses won't fit me, I can't look at myself in the mirror, and since I broke up with him this morning, I am having trouble stomaching food.
I wish I was home, I want to go home.
Good side? I have somewhere to live and a job. But all the money in the world couldn't replace him.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Change
Anyone who knows me, will know I'm the worlds biggest worrier when it comes to change. I hate starting a new thing, new job, new school, or moving house, but what happens when it's not you that's going to change, but the one you love? It's driven me insane for the past few weeks. I'll admit, I overdosed in hopes to forget it, partially hoping that I may not wake up. Life felt pointless, I didn't know why I was bothering, no one REALLY cares about someone other than themselves, and I'm the same way. I can't help others, I can't help myself, a few pills might make me feel better, right?
I've always been a very mothering person without purposely trying. I give too much of a shit about other peoples problems and take them on as my own. But with this change, this is one thing I am unable to do. I don't know how to ease their pain, so I pretty end up just crushing myself due to my own worries.
If they change..what does it mean for me? Everyone says that it's not my problem and I should just love and support them no matter what...but....Why am I struggling to do this? I've always had strong goals and dreams, I've always known what I wanted in life. I guess I'm just having trouble accepting two new factors into all this....I'm worried they will change what I want, that they will change ME.
I dislike being in relationships, it makes my mind crazy. I need to ease this worry and craziness...
I remember, when I was getting my lip peirced, it was EXTREMELY painful, I thought I was going to die, it hurt so much, but after it healed, I rarely regret it. I've been through alot of painful times where I thought I couldn't make it, this is just another one, EXCEPT, this one comes with a warning. I can fight myself against this, and be ALOT stronger than I was before.
I hate being a perfectionist sometimes. Makes this harder.
I've always been a very mothering person without purposely trying. I give too much of a shit about other peoples problems and take them on as my own. But with this change, this is one thing I am unable to do. I don't know how to ease their pain, so I pretty end up just crushing myself due to my own worries.
If they change..what does it mean for me? Everyone says that it's not my problem and I should just love and support them no matter what...but....Why am I struggling to do this? I've always had strong goals and dreams, I've always known what I wanted in life. I guess I'm just having trouble accepting two new factors into all this....I'm worried they will change what I want, that they will change ME.
I dislike being in relationships, it makes my mind crazy. I need to ease this worry and craziness...
I remember, when I was getting my lip peirced, it was EXTREMELY painful, I thought I was going to die, it hurt so much, but after it healed, I rarely regret it. I've been through alot of painful times where I thought I couldn't make it, this is just another one, EXCEPT, this one comes with a warning. I can fight myself against this, and be ALOT stronger than I was before.
I hate being a perfectionist sometimes. Makes this harder.
"You can't get rid of your fears, but you can learn to live with them"Pretty much
"When you want something you've never had, sometimes you have to do something you've never done"
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."
"Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when anyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
"Bad things are always going to happen in life. People will hurt you. But you can't use that as an excuse to hurt someone back"
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars."
"Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always, believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will?"
Monday, August 29, 2011
Growing up
It's inevitable. It's something I've been avoiding for a long time, but the time has come. I'm going to be moving out of home in December.
"Home? I thought you were at Uni?" Yes, I am, but here is pretty much like home, I can use as much power as I like, spend as long in the shower as I like, not worry about cleaning anything other than my room, don't have to cook or do dishes, in fact, it's more luxurious in that sense than home!~
I think many of you know by now, I love to buy things. I'm always seeing girls with so much things, and getting new things all of the time, so for three months, I lived that life. Now I get to suffer because of that.
In a way, moving out of Uni will be easier in ways, I'll be closer to town, so hopefully I'll get a job. It will also be a HELL of a lot cheaper! I've decided to off put the design course until I find a job and on my way out of this bit of debt I got back into.
Although I have 3 months here still, I have to still pull myself together. I'm going to need money for bond, advance rent, and furniture. Lucky for me, I already have a mattress that I bought with me, and can live out of suitcases and boxes for a while (I just spent three weeks like this).
McDonalds will hire me, I promise you. Just you wait and see.
"Home? I thought you were at Uni?" Yes, I am, but here is pretty much like home, I can use as much power as I like, spend as long in the shower as I like, not worry about cleaning anything other than my room, don't have to cook or do dishes, in fact, it's more luxurious in that sense than home!~
I think many of you know by now, I love to buy things. I'm always seeing girls with so much things, and getting new things all of the time, so for three months, I lived that life. Now I get to suffer because of that.
In a way, moving out of Uni will be easier in ways, I'll be closer to town, so hopefully I'll get a job. It will also be a HELL of a lot cheaper! I've decided to off put the design course until I find a job and on my way out of this bit of debt I got back into.
Although I have 3 months here still, I have to still pull myself together. I'm going to need money for bond, advance rent, and furniture. Lucky for me, I already have a mattress that I bought with me, and can live out of suitcases and boxes for a while (I just spent three weeks like this).
McDonalds will hire me, I promise you. Just you wait and see.
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