Monday, December 1, 2014

I'm back!

It's been agessss since I've blogge. I've got a lot to work on in my personal life, and I personally find that writing things down helps.
In a little over a week I will be moving, I'm so excited. I'm excited about the gain of independence I will have. For the past year and a half I have been living with family, very unindependent. I'm back to being useless with money, lazy, gained weight again, and destroying relationships.
First thing I aim to work on is the money and weight issues. I'm currently weighing in around 109kg. At the start of this year I was at 93kg. I kind of let myself go after a break up, and it's time to get myself back together. I'm lactose intolerant, but have been consuming dairy like crazy. Not good! Haha.
I'm going to need to get a job, time to follow my own advice I guess?
Tata for now~
Weightloss blog:

P.S After this post, I will be publishing some old removed posts.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Where do I even start... It's like, I don't know whats going on anymore.
I'm pretty sure I'm lactose intolerant, which is a good thing. It's kick started my weightloss a lot, not being able to consume anything with dairy in it.
I've been at my mothers for a month, really ready to go home now. Though I know returning I will face more challenges.
My first challenge? What to do with my life. I'm almost 22 now, I started this blog when I was 18! I was in a very similar position then than I am in now, unemployed, out of school and living with family. The difference between now an then? Other than the obvious age difference, back then I had a goal. My goal was to return to uni and complete my degree. I finished my diploma, however faced challenges in 2012 that saw me leave. I spent last year doing nothing, I sat around my grandmothers house day in day out, sleeping till 2pm, watching tv shows till 3am, repeating every single day.
Over my lifetime I have had many goals, there are many things I wish to learn, many things I wish to see, many people I wish to meet, and many experiences I wish to have. My problem is how to go about all these things. I began a bucket-list a few weeks ago, which I add to as I think of things.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

First Photoshoot

This was the day I felt like such a Princess. After being in a huge depression, I managed to travel two hours away to not let the photographer down.
That morning, dragging myself out of bed and getting ready, I was wondering why I was bothering, but, once the dress was on, I felt gorgeous.
At almost 115kg I wasn't small, few of my other clothes fit me at the time, but the feeling of putting on a pretty dress, and having photos taken, can make one forget all the bad things.
It's amazing how with just those few little things, ANYONE can go from the lowest of lows, to feeling on top of the world. I challenge you to find what makes you feel how I felt that day, What is it? Is it an item? A song? A tv show? What memories do you have of it?

Last night my Uncle, Stepmother and myself were having a conversation. Shes in her mid-late 30s, and was saying how a customer at her work thought she was 45. There had been another customer think she was in her twenties, but she automatically thought of the negative first. Why is it that humans always do that? Everytime you have a negative thought, think of 5 positives to go with that thought.
Until tomorrow

Saturday, May 4, 2013

End of an era

Today marks the end of an era, as a friend kindly pointed out to me. It's hard to leave, mostly because of leaving two of the best friends I've ever had behind. I do take with me memories of times that I was really happy. Uni party's, wandering around the campus late at night, the stresses of the maid cafe at Sakura Festival, but more than those memories, I will miss having them around all the time.
They will visit, and I will have my old friends in Hastings, which I'm excited about!
Change is hard, I've never been able to deal with it very well. But, after the past month or so, this is what is best for me now. So again, I'm back.
2010 I went through a similar thing, most that year I was so lonely. I got through it, I came back, and I had fun.
I can do this again.
Hold tight and don't let go, because this shit is easy.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


When you need them, whether they know you need them or not, they will be there. I got some rather upsetting news this morning (the bad thing I was waiting for, I'll get to this later) and spent most the day in bed. After I got up and showered, I talked to some friends, but I needed to talk to someone not via the computer. So I called my mother and spoke to her for a bit. Then I had to go pick up my sister from daycare. I decided to go to the bank, get out all my money, and waste it. On my way to the bank, I ran into a good friend of mine, this was amazing. Just what I needed. So we walked and talked, and got my sister, and ate [lunch] afternoon tea.

My friends are always there for me, no matter how far away we are from each other, I know I can rely on them. I used to have friends, that were not so great, and we lost contact. Real friends stay friends no matter what. And that's what I have found with these great people <3 br="">Here's something my friend posted on Facebook about me a few months ago:

It was the sweetest thing, I cried so much after reading that.

To my friends: I love you so much, you mean everything to me, I don't tell you enough. I am always here for you when you need me, and no matter what, I will always love you, even if you become horribly disfigured.

Use yourself as your motivation.

The best thing I have found, is to serve as your own form of motivation. I believe strongly in, "If you've done it once, you can do it again".
I've gotten into IPC before. I've bought brand before. I've saved over $500 before. I've gotten to Peak 3 on SSX3 before. I've smiled before. I've laughed before.

One activity the depression workbook made me do was list my most "significant achievements"
-Saving up for my first lolita dress
-Getting a job to help with my fear of people
-Attending school
-Passing NCEA
-Graphics and Fabrics Excellence grades
-Moving out of mums/moving to IPC
-Getting into IPC
-Keeping my friends
-Becoming friends with those who I originally despised
-Gaining my independance
-Asking for help when I needed it

There are probably others, but one I can't wait to add to the list, "Fighting my past, to get to the future"

I didn't want to go to work today. Who ever does, expecially on a Sunday... But I went, because I have to. Because I know, I'll never get back to Uni if I don't go, I'll never see Onii-chan again if I don't go, I'll never be able to buy brand if I don't go, I'll miss out on so much, because of my laziness. I had a split shift, first shift was fine, just a little bit busier than normal, nothing difficult though. Second shift was horrible though. I had a terrible headache, and was so weak and tired. I didn't eat enough for lunch, and started feeling faint, as well as dehydrated. I kept fighting though. I told myself "30mins then you can ask for a break" Then 40mins would go by..."You're halfway through your shift, keep going, you've done longer shifts than this before!!"...."It's only been 3 hours, you've gone 5 hours without a break before, sometimes longer, so stop complaining, and get onto it" I kept pushing myself, headache, faintyness, hunger pains, sore legs, dehydration and all. "You have to keep going, work's understaffed, they are suffering just as badly as you are, stop being so selfish, you can't let them down!"

I'm tough on myself, I find it's how I learn best.

Well now I'm tired, and forgot the main point of this post.
Night night~

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Getting a job

You want a job? Do you REALLY want one???

Find a job isn't easy, we've all tried. BUT SOMETIMES WE DON'T TRY HARD ENOUGH. My first job, I was SO VERY LUCKY, I got it easy! And my second job! And my third!!! But this fourth, took alot of effort.
I've spent the last year bitching about not having a job, and that got me no where. I would DAILY check TradeMe Jobs, Seek, SJS, and the newspaper, as well as nagging Spotlight, but nothing.

THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER ACHIEVE ANYTHING IS IF YOU TRY. If you're not trying hard enough, you don't want it enough.

First, some things my dad told me (currently a manager, has previously owned and managed his own business):
-"You're more employable when you're employed"
-"You gotta put yourself out there, I kept going back when I was 18, and nagging the manager. The other guy was going to get the job, but he never showed up, and I always did, so I got the job"
-Also, the job he is in now, security, he currently is the Manager. He started off doing part time/causal work, and NEVER EVER said no to any hours he was offered. We didn't see him much, but now he is at the top of his career, NINE MONTHS LATER!!!

Insane applying/What I did:

What to wear: I wore my green floral skirt, a mans shirt, and a black cardi with black tights and black shoes. Just wear anything, tidy. I had tidy make up, I straightend my hair, and kept checking my make up and hair (I'm a girl, we do that anyway). Boys: Shave, Girls: Make up. Both: tidy CLEAN hair. Employers want people who look presentable, and serious about getting a job. Doesn't matter if its at job at Burger King, or Chanel, they want someone tidy. Also, use deoderant! I had impulse in my handbag when I went into town (I walked) Not good if you smell bad!

CV: This is the part I struggle with most, I'm bad at making my CV. I have made 6 or 7 this year. If you are unsure about your CV, get a friend to read over it, look up free templates, or I'll even give you some templates and help if you need it (not that I'm expert)

Getting there: I walked around, you see more places that way. And save money, petrol, and the environment.

What to say: I pretty much said the same thing:

Them: Hi, may I help you?
Me: Hi, I was just wondering if you had any jobs avaliable?
Them: No sorry, not at the moment, but you're welcome to leave your CV, we get busy around christmas!
Me: Here *hands cv WITH TWO HANDS* Thank you!

Sometimes it would go more like this:
Them: Hi, may I help you?
Me: Hi, I was just wondering if you had any jobs avaliable?
Them: Uhhh...ummmm...I'm not sure...I'll just go find the manager *goes away....comes back* Sorry, he's on his lunch break right now...uhh....ummmmmm
Me: Thats fine, shall I just leave a CV?
Them: Sure!
Me: *hands over CV* thank you!

Sometimes they ask questions, like why youre looking for a job, what you've been doing recently (school? work?) You just need to use your manners. They are superior to you, they have what you want, and they only way you can get it is politeness, and perserverance.ALSO, SMILE, EVEN IF THEY SAY NO, BE POLITE NO MATTER WHAT!

Walk: with confidence, radiate confidence! I get like this when I wear specific items (many girls get like this when wearing nice underwear I've heard?)

Where: EVERYWHERE. We just went into EVERY shop, even small businesses, this is Christmas, it gets BUSY. Like, MENTAL BUSY, Like, you don't have time to restock the shelves some days!!!! I had made a list before I went out, on the list was toy shops, fabric shops, cafes, takeaway places (like Maccas and BK), places like K-Mart, Farmers, Warehouse, clothing shops, supermarkets, video rental stores, petrol stations.

It's better to go alone, it shows you're independant, and you can do things on your own. Employers don't want people who can't do things alone. Many people who can do things alone, can work in groups, but often if the person does things in groups alot, they don't work well.

Go hard, aim REALLY high, 20 was alot, and I ran outta places eventually, but I still got 16 out!!! I probably asked over 40 places for jobs, and less than half got CVs, but I still found a job.

No Calls yet? After my friend and I did this, I told her, if we had no calls a week later, we were going back, and doing it all over again. Same places and all.
Keep trying, never give up, or you will never get a job.

Remember, it doesn't matter where you go, you're more employable when you're employed!!

Edit: Also, don't sit down for too long, when you sit, you start to give up, and I began to lose my determination. Remember, I'm supporting you all the way, if I'm there, of if I'm not.
ALSO, I thought of what I wanted the entire time. Brand. Even though I need the money for uni, I thought of brand. Pushed me further than thinking about uni did.